Okay. Lacrosse season is already over, right?
And you've already got a scholarship to Maryland.
So, check this. I made the call.
There's a club team in Laguna Beach
that you can play on to stay sharp.
Huh? Huh?
Wow.
Come on, honey, it's only 6 months, right?
Yeah... the last 6 months of senior year.
Come on, honey. It's California.
Isn't it just possible to have a great senior year in California?
Dude. Buy you a surfboard, dude.
Hey, Barney.
Didn't they teach you in Mary-land
not to play with your stick in public?
Yeah, Fred, stop shooting all over our wall.
That dude's like... whoa.
Roach. Roach!
Well, he's got, like, a stick, man.
Roach!
Little snogger.
Roach, enough!
Yeah, dude. You're fried. Remember?
Whoa. Yeah.
Hey, you want to try a real sport? Let us know.
Yeah. We use our sticks for more important things on this coast.
Surfing is... god.
Right?
Tyler.
You get in any more trouble,
you're not going to Costa Rica for senior trip.
I'll see you later...
Mary.
Let's go.
What, is it over?
Yeah, it's over. Let's go.
He sure is good with his stick.
Get your own stick, sweetie.
He's mine.
Hey, yo, yo.
East Coast, what's up? Name's Taz.
- Like, uh, Tasmanian devil? - Yeah.
That's cool.
So I heard Tyler and his ass clowns gave you the Laguna welcome.
Oh, yeah. Nice guys.
O, Father who art in heaven,
please show mercy on the virgin Larry
and allow him to get laid
before he dies of crotch rot or worse!
Larry's the only senior virgin.
The virgin Larry.
Yeah. Watch this.
Get the hell out, man.
Whoa. Ugly little freak. Don't you have a circus to join?
Ah, and here comes Mary.
Don't you have a stick to play with?
Go hug your board, Tyler.
I'm sure if you drilled a small enough hole in it,
you two could be very happy.
Whoa.
I love my board, man.
Totally... hot.
Okay. Fine.
You can have your virgin Larry.
I'm sure you girls will have plenty of time to bond...
while we're partying in Costa Rica.
Roach.
Is it over?
Yeah, Roach, it's over.
Dude.
I hope those ass clowns die in Costa Rica.
Stupid High School Surfing Championship.
I dreamed about monkeys last night.
They have monkeys in Costa Rica.
I dreamed that, you know, I made friends with one on the senior trip.
Okay. Larry, you've got to stop with these gay-ass dreams.
Seriously.
Look, have you been reading those {y:i}Hustlers I gave you?
A lot of the pages are stuck together.
Yeah, they do that.
Uh, humidity.
Hey. Who's that?
Oh, that's my boy Mo.
Yeah. Ah, he's cool.
Tyler's always trying to suck up to him, but he likes us.
Yeah? And the hottie?
That's Chika,
the new Japanese exchange student.
Ah, she can't speak a word of English,
but, uh, Mo's waiting on her.
What's up, Taz? All right.
Hey, we got East Coast. What's up, man?
Hey, man, how's that song coming?
This guy, he's... he's incredible.
Not really feeling the flow lately, man.
I need something to make it pop.
Whoa!
Hey, come on, dude.
Hey, hey. This girl freaks me out.
She's, like, possessed or something.
I call her Po, but her name's Doris.
"Po" for potential.
Telling you, up under that depressed-ass body is, like, Beyoncé.
Yeah? Hey. I'm, uh...
Oh. Don't worry about old East Coast.
He don't really know.
She don't like nobody talking to her.
So I'm hearing the senior trip is invitation only?
What is that?
I mean, come on, this is our class, too.
We can't just sit here while they party in Costa Rica.
Right?
Uh... yeah, we can.
We ain't going nowhere.
Surf school?
Brothers don't surf.
Look, the senior trip is the second week of Easter break.
So, go down a week early, we learn to surf,
pull the biggest upset in history,
and then we party our asses off like heroes.
East Coast, what kind of shit you smoking?
Maybe he's right. I mean...
I dreamed about that Costa Rican monkey again.
Larry, you need to be spanking the monkey, not dreaming about it.
I already found someplace to stay... dirt cheap.
I mean, come on.
We get one chance at senior year.
I mean, let's go for it.
Hey, man, you know,
East Coast might have something here.
I'll get Chika to go with us on this little road trip.
Get my sushi to go.
There you go.
I'm down. Let's do it.
What about the rest of you guys?
Now we're talking.
See you ladies in Costa Rica.
Hi, Doris. Do you like my new princess outfit?
I got you this pink cap for your trip.
Now, you know, I spoke to your folks in Tokyo.
And you got to be crazy if you think
we gonna let your cute little booty go to Costa Rica.
And that brother you been hanging out with?
His chopstick better not go near that little sushi of yours.
You understand?
- I promise. - Uh-huh.
- I shread. - I shread?
I heard.
You're gonna shread right hear in Laguna.
Now, it's very humid in Costa Rica,
so you are going to have to change your underpants at least twice a day.
Now, Lawrence,
I know there are going to be lots of pretty young girls there.
What do we think of pretty young girls?
Satan's spawn, Mother.
- Satan's spawn, Mother... - Darling.
And what else, baby boy?
Beelzebub's bitches.
Yes! And?
Lucifer's lusty lasses?
Yes! And?
Daughters of the Antichrist.
Yes. And?
- The devil's dogs. - Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh, my beautiful Lawrence Horatio Bates,
{y:i}Home Economics magazine's teen of the year.
Come on, now. You don't need to search my bag, do you?
Uh, yeah. I heard there's this Costa Rican Halloween holiday, so...
My dentist recommended that. I have a... underbite.
Mommy, what's that?
Ah... ah, honey, that's just a toy.
Can I get a toy like that?
You can borrow mine.
Wow. I just saw my first real monkey. Look.
Larry, forget about the real monkeys.
You're here to get that monkey off your back, all right?
The only word I want to hear out of your mouth is "beaver," got it?
Let's go. Come on.
Man, it's hot. Rock and roll.
Hey, Taz, do you want any sunscreen?
No way, man. I want to burn!
Mother says the tropical sun can be very dangerous.
Man! I feel like myself again getting out there!
Whoo! Let's go to the beach. You know what time it is?
You seen my Ritalin?
Let's go. What are we waiting on?
What do you guys want to do? Come on.
Let's go to the beach.
Rock and roll.
Larry, you, uh, missed a few spots.
Where?
Everywhere.
It's like a brother's buffet.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Garçon,
I'll have the pink. I'll take the blue.
Oh. Oh, I could write a song about that thong.
Yummy.
Hold the phone.
Check, please.
I'll take those three to go.
From what I saw on the Internet, this place is off the hook.
Larry, there are a ton of monkeys.
Don't even get me started on the chicks.
Okay, guys, just stay calm.
I'm sure there's an explanation.
Look, man, I got your explanation.
See, she got, like, three booties mashed into one.
Okay!
That's right, cowards. Be afraid.
Try to even undress her with your eyes,
and I will cut you like Siberian seal, alive.
Okay. Take it easy, Tarzan.
- Undress who? - Who?
Don't mock me, jocko.
We both know the object of your teenage lust.
Who?
My little babushka.
Here, kitty cat.
Come on, my little kitty cat. That's good.
Look at those buns.
Oh! Hey! Groovy!
The kids are here!
What are you waiting for? Come on in, you little hipsters!
Welcome to commune.
Darling, I'll meet you at check-in.
Very well, my delight.
Now, look. Look at that.
You tell me that is not art.
Um, yeah.
Go.
I like people.
I am people person.
Check this out.
This is something.
I'm gonna lap you up like cherry soda, do you know that?
Did you put on that g-string that I give for you?
Lover, I put it on this morning, but now I can't find it.
East Coast, I can't stay here. This is disgusting.
Oh. Relax. They'll stop.
Eventually.
JFK, MLK, RFK. Are those bands?
No, it's John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy,
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Greatest heroes of the Sixties? Don't you remember?
No. Who?
Come on. You sat right next to me
in Ms. Lipschitz's American history class.
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Lopsided Lipschitz, yeah.
Yeah, she was cool. She gave me my first D-minus.
My mom had that on the fridge for, like, months.
Oh. Kids.
Nice to start up close and personal.
I'm Tilly Jones.
And I'm Boris Ilnayitch Jones.
And I am the eternally stiff lover of this woman.
Look at you, honey.
Look how nice you look in this light, huh?
Why do you look so nice in the light, huh?
Sugarbuns.
I may never get another boner again.
Aw, that's just wrong.
That's it! Who's my champion? Who's my champion?
Children in the room.
It's so hard for me because I like the girl.
Larry! Larry! Beaver alert.
Check it out, Larry.
{y:i}Hola, senorita.
Thank you, Veronique.
Damn. I heard French chicks don't shave, but...
So, what brings you kids to the commune?
It's kind of our senior trip.
Only, the other seniors don't really want us here.
All right. Taking it to the man.
Yeah.
Well, here at the commune,
we take a personal interest in our guests.
We believe the spirit of the Sixties should... live on.
Right on.
Let's see how much you kids really do need to learn, hmm?
Oh, my skirt's a little... short.
Who is this?
That's the dude from the first {y:i}Batman.
Yeah, that's that guy, that old dude
that's got courtside tickets to all the Lakers games.
Ding, ding, ding. That would be wrong. Okay.
No, this, sweetie, is not Jack Nicholson.
Does Richard Nixon ring a bell?
He was the first President to resign.
It was over Watergate.
Nixon was a symbol of everything
that was wrong with America in the Sixties.
Flashing peace symbols to the crowd
then dropping bombs on third-world countries?
Aren't we still doing that?
Yeah.
So you are the virgin boy.
Uh... yeah.
You are sacred in our culture.
It is the highest honor for a woman
to be the first with a virgin boy.
Wow. Okay.
Oh, hi, Veronique.
Can't you find a tree to swing from?
I'll see you later, virgin boy.
Thanks, Veronique.
I don't know if you understand English, but you were in my dreams.
Supposed to be a state-of-the-art facility.
Nah, man, this look like the ghetto side of the beach.
This is surf school?
I don't see any desks or pencil sharpeners.
And where's our teacher?
Aw, man, somebody's wasted him.
No, he's just smashed.
That's it, little dolphin.
Back it up.
Back that blowhole up. Dirty blowhole.
Whoa, whoa. Free Willy. Free Willy!
Hey, Rip! Rip!
Rip! Rip! Wake up!
Hey. Hey.
It's the guys form Laguna, you know?
The ones that sent you the deposit.
Ah. Groovy, man. I can...
I can dig it.
Uh... look. I don't know what you're, ah...
your mothers told you, but, uh...
I can explain the, uh, child welfare payments.
We're not your kids!
We're the guys who sent you the deposit for surf school.
That makes a little more sense. All right.
You, uh... you got the balance? Huh?
I take traveler's checks.
You don't get nothing till you turn us into pros.
Who said pros?
Your ad. Remember?
Man, we just wasting our time. Let me out of here.
No. He's gonna teach us to surf.
Hey.
Look, you want to drink yourself to death, that's your choice.
But this week, you're gonna teach us to surf.
Okay, hairdo.
I appreciate the incentive.
But you've got to understand that the old Ripster's been down a long time.
It's got to be, what...
1974? Huh?
'75?
'76?
Well, it can't be 1977.
It's 2005.
Okay. That's not helping.
I should know the date by at least 30 years, right?
But... what the hell?
You're here!
Why doesn't old Ripster whip you up some mahi-mahi?
Huh?
You guys want to eat?
I'll make some nice pan-shaped mahi-mahi.
That would be real... sh-shweet!
Peace, sister.
I like to sit in corners when it rains, too.
{y:i}The Bell Jar.
I read that once.
It affected me deeply.
Uh, maybe... maybe someday
you'd like to help me paint one of these.
Or... or we could play beauty parlor.
Do each other's nails, hair.
Or not.
Okay. I got to run. Thanks for the girl talk.
Man, these tropical storms are intense.
We love the rain.
We love to get wet.
Are you American surf boys?
We love American surf boys.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
Those chicks were so hot, they melted our brains.
They love American surfers.
I can't believe we didn't get into Surfer's Paradise,
but I guess we are Barneys.
Not for long.
Please come into my club.
In 4 days, no one.
Please...
El Pescado Muerto.
Does that mean "dead fish"?
{y:i}El pescado muertol {y:i}SíI
That is cool, huh?
Ah, no.
You, uh, get any hot chicks here?
Course! Don't you see my sister?
Where is she?
Right there.
Berthita, a smile for the American boys.
Hot, huh?
Okay. Screw this. I'm going home.
No. Hey. Taz?
Guys, we're not going anywhere.
We came here to have the time of our lives, and we're gonna have it.
And we're gonna make the party right here at the, uh... Dead Fish.
Guys, when we start surfing,
they're gonna see that we're the real deal,
and I would, uh...
Well, I would guess that they're gonna want to party with us.
You know?
I mean, they're gonna know that we're...
obviously the coolest.
The party's gonna come to us.
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm feeling a heck of a lot better about Rip, aren't you?
Ghost Babe.
Uh, come back.
Come back, Ghost Babe.
Hey, Rip.
It's time for surf school.
Do I know you, man?
Surf school is open, hairdo.
Now, what do you think real surfers would call you three?
That's easy. Barneys, Freds, Wallys...
geeks, dorks, wannabes, posers,
Gilligans, weeds,
Darryls, Deweys, Kahuna Tunas...
Okay. That's good. Thanks.
Very good.
Poindexter, write this down, man.
You may see a wave out there,
but real surfers, they see an A-frame,
a steakhouse, curly fries.
Pennsylvania pencil cases.
A Mongolian bastard baby.
Delta Burke's asshole. A monkey tail.
A Chinese roasted baby koala, man.
An onion bun covered with garlic butter.
A flamingo tit, man!
Uh, is there a hyphen in "flamingo tit"?
Shut up, Larry!
Sorry.
Come on, get on your boards!
I want to see you on your... boards.
It's all about touch, Larry.
You've got to feel that wave, man.
You got to reach out there and find its G-spot
and touch it like it's your... your dirty little girlfriend.
Waves are like women.
They got lots of curves,
they're slippery when they're wet,
and if you don't ride them the right way,
they're gonna pound you, man.
They got big jugs, right?
You know.
Look. Larry...
if you're gonna rip with the big boys,
you got to learn to understand women.
Uh, not the best advice, Ripster. Dude's a total virgin.
Yeah, man. The only booty call he's ever seen starred Jamie Foxx.
Is that true, Larry?
No. Actually I didn't catch {y:i}Booty Call.
I had an S.A.T. Review course.
And Mother thinks Jamie Foxx is a pottymouth.
Larry, are you a virgin, man?
- Yes. - Wow, man.
I haven't seen one of you around here
since "Grinder Teeth" Mary took out little Jimmy McGee
behind the dumpster at the pomegranate hut.
How'd you become a washed-up, old wino?
Taz? We, uh... we looked you up.
You won the world championship, 1989,
and you just disappeared.
You Barneys don't know about the legend of...
Ghost Babe.
Dead babe?
Oh, I'm afraid she is quite alive...
to me,
my young understudy.
Was she was, like, hotter than Pam Anderson?
Mm-hmm! Just a few thousand degrees hotter... brah!
So there I am, the surf god, surrounded by my disciples,
when all of a sudden... pow!
She floats right by me like on a cloud.
And all I can remember is that soft, intoxicating breeze she left behind.
It looked like the good Lord himself had baked those hot buns.
Her breasts had perfect alignment...
exactly the same size.
They were nothing short of...
sh-sh-sh... shweet.
Shweet.
Well, we made love every minute of every day.
She gave me foot massages.
She brushed my hair.
She made my clothes.
And in between, she would feed me grapes...
make me mai tais...
feed me quarter pounders with cheese
Sounds like a keeper.
How does it end?
Some surfers were hanging out down on the beach.
So I walked over and...
And what?
And then they laughed at me.
They had no idea who I was.
I had vanished for... 10 years.
But why would they laugh at you just because you disappeared?
No reason, man.
Just, you know, nervous, uh, giggles and stuff.
- Ghost Babe. - Ghost Babe.
Ohh.
Natural spirit,
Father sun, sister moon,
reach your hand down to us and touch us with your loving light.
Touch our souls deeply.
Boris, I swear, Tilly's off limits.
We accept that. But, uh...
the Swedish chicks?
Swedish girl is caviar of girl.
Go.
Let us feel the warmth.
Larry.
I can just take a peep.
No peep.
No peeping for my boychik.
Thank you for sharing this lovely light and love time.
We are finished.
Om.
Ready?
- {y:i}Ja. - {y:i}Ja.
We hold hands, {y:i}ja?
{y:i}Ja.
Oh, fellas, hi!
Do I look fat in this?
Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Oh!
I can tell that peeping is happening.
It's okay, Boris. They wouldn't.
You're a good boy. I like you.
That is why I am so happy to put you onto the road to manhood
like my father put me onto that road.
Do you have father?
No.
Mother says he was Beelzebub's brother.
She like you, Larry.
Can't you find a tree to swing from?
Milk from a virgin cow for my virgin boy.
Gracias.
{y:i}Mucho gusto.
I will see you at the sing-along.
The sing-along?
Drink that milk. It's good.
Good milk.
Fear's the way we die
Sometimes you are so scared that you've got to die.
You can make the mountains ring
Or make the angels cry
Why is it that the angels continue to cry like that?
Though the bird is on the wing
And you may not know why
Why is it that birds fly?
Come on, people, now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now
One more time.
Just my beautiful, sweet Helga, Belga, and Selga.
Come on, people, now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now
- {y:i}Ja. - {y:i}Jal
Oh! This is my favorite verse.
Who wants to try it?
Who wants to serenade Mama Tilly?
You're loved here.
If you hear the song I sing
You will understand
You hold the key to love and fear
All in your trembling hand
Just one key unlocks them both
It's there at your command
Come on, people, now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now
What about Doris, though?
She was, like, definitely handling that business last night.
Total potential. That's that jump-off girl.
That's what I was trying to tell you about.
Yeah, she was, uh... cool.
Check it out.
The spot, guys.
How sweet.
You ladies must be on your honeymoon.
Yeah, looks like four brides to be.
Barney goes to Costa Rica.
Do you Gilligans actually think you have a chance in this contest?
I know we do.
Whoa.
That dude is... intense, man.
Shut up, Roach.
Yeah, well, it's all good, bro.
But don't you think it's time you dropped the whole affirmative-action thing
and come kick it with the real playas?
Come on.
- Play with that. - Bam!
Total dis, man.
Roach, shut up.
Bam! That's cool, man.
Total dis, man. Bam!
Roach, shut up.
Bam!
Yeah.
See you in the water, Tyler.
That's fine.
You losers want more humiliation?
You got it.
At least you brought your own pussy.
You start it, I'll finish it, bro.
Consider it started... brah.
Whoa. Peace, dude.
You good?
Is it over yet, man?
Nah, dude, it's not over.
You guys ready to learn to surf?
Hell, yeah.
You see all the honeys over at Surfer's Paradise, bro?
Well, you're not riding any of them honeys
till you ride this honey right here.
So the only honey you need to be focused on right now
is that honey right there, Winnie the Pooh.
Sauce with those wings, brah?
All right. Don't forget, brahs.
You got to crest that wave like a soggy monkey, man.
Stroke, stroke, stroke.
Come on!
Hey, uh, Rip.
Just got a little warmer over here.
Did Josh just take a piss?
No, that was me, brah. Sorry.
Well, look at you. Up and floating.
Hey, Larry, you dry humping, man?
You're getting the hang of it, hairdo.
Oh, yeah! Taz!
You shred! You shred... oh!
Oh! Sh-sh-sh... shweet!
...maybe loosen up your grip a little bit on the board.
And then maybe you get enough confidence to, uh...
Is that what love looks like?
No, servant boy.
I am the Queen of Siam. The king...
I'm not really sure what that looks like.
Oh, Gonga.
Oh, Gonga, we have company.
Boychik, I've been looking for you.
Let's go. We have work to do.
You know how difficult it is for me to leave you like this?
- Go. - Breaks my heart.
He needs you.
Have you, uh, touched a woman?
Like my mom?
You want to... touch your mommy?
God, no.
Good. That's good.
I can help you.
Hey, you were amazing last night.
I mean... your voice is...
it's perfect.
You and Mo could probably team up and really rock the mike.
You know...
before I moved to Laguna,
I kind of had it made at my old school.
Me and my boys, we were in the show. We were Tyler.
Well...
Not a dick like Tyler, but...
You know, people like Larry and Taz...
People like you.
I guess I noticed you guys out on the fringes, but...
I guess I didn't really notice.
I spent too much time
worrying about my biceps and holding a lacrosse stick, I guess.
Well, I came out here, and...
I know how that feels.
So, uh...
If you ever want to talk...
Well...
you have an amazing voice.
Oh, and, uh...
nice t-shirt.
Check it out.
These European girls,
they're totally cool with their titties.
I'd be cool with their titties, man.
Got to give them some of your lines.
I got to see those hooters.
Calm down, man. Y'all white boys rush too much.
You got to be like a brother. You got to ease in.
Let the vibe do all the work. Watch this.
Love this music.
{y:i}Ja. Me, too. Love it.
Well, then, maybe we should join the party.
Yeah, you can sit.
Thank you, Lord. Oh, yeah.
I think it's really cool the way you European girls are so...
free with your bodies.
Yeah, American chicks are all uptight with their hooters.
They won't even show them unless they have, like...
a full-access web page and being filmed for... {y:i}Girls Gone Wild.
The breasts are no big deal. Just skin.
{y:i}Ja. We have nipples. You have nipples.
American men seem to get so crazy over breasts.
Well, we're... we're not, uh,
your typical American men.
I mean, we barely even noticed your...
perfect, symmetrical, mouth-watering,
perky...
Um, yeah, we're... we're very European when it comes to that.
We, uh... you know.
You could... you could whip them out
and smack them in us... me in the face with them right now,
and I... I wouldn't notice. Would you? No.
Good. We can be free with you and not worry.
How's it going, brahs?
Board?
Yeah, man, the board.
I cut it myself. It's a 6-footer.
It's got some tasty curves.
It's kind of firm,
but yet it feels real nice in the hand.
You got to make sure you...
you treat it like a lady.
Stimulate it,
make sure the nipple doesn't get dirty.
- Move the damn board. - Yeah.
You want to be able to caress it
and call it names like...
Hello, Sally. How are you today?
Hey, you, uh...
you girls want to come for some mahi-mahi?
- Mahi-mahi?
I'll see you at church, fellas.
Thanks.
We go bikini shopping now.
Want to come?
Come on, six pack.
You got to loosen up!
It's like you're blow-drying your hair and you got to set it free.
It's Kenny G time, man.
Whoa. Great movement.
What kind of conditioner you using, man?
Do you like?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you guys want to see a triple-fart bubble?
Could you boys spray us?
Spray you?
Ooh, that was a nice one.
You take Helga. I'll take Selga. We'll split Belga.
{y:i}Ja. Feels so hot.
Come on! Paddle like an altar boy at a private communion.
I love that game American boys and girls play.
What is it called?
Volleyball?
Strip poker.
That's it, zero body fat. Stand and deliver.
Oh, yeah, that's my Tazzy.
Ace high.
In the water. Come on, pansy boy.
Okay, hairdo. Steady.
They'll think I have a nice ass, right?
I'm not looking, man.
S- shweet!
You fellas believe in fairy tales?
'Cause I think we got a real Cinderella story happening here.
My boy Taz, you can really shred, brother,
and I'm not talking about spoon-size shredded wheat.
I'm talking about this cat soaking up all the milk.
And you there, hairdo...
if you could just loosen up just a little bit,
that would be real...
shweet.
My brother... oh, my dear brother...
you are one juicy water wing away
from getting the whole thing.
Larry...
your balls are so dried up,
I can see them swinging off my rearview mirror halfway to Turkey.
Boris says he has big plans for me tonight.
Yeah.
Well, he better.
The competition starts tomorrow.
All I want to know is, after we kick major ass out there,
is Ghost Babe gonna show up?
Ghost Babe.
Get out of here while I...
...finish wiping.
Well, you boys, uh...
you want to come by for some sushi tonight, hmm?
I hand-make it, put all the little pieces together.
How about some nice mahi-mahi?
Oh. That's a dingleberry.
Well, as you know,
every revolution requires a secret mission or two to level the battlefield,
so Boris and I whipped up a little something
that might even the odds tomorrow.
What is this?
Microscopic crabs.
Kind of tough to focus on your surfing
when you got those cute little critters dancing in your shorts.
In 1971, I put the crabs like that
into the jockstrap of President Nixon.
I was towel boy in racquet club,
and there is famous film of Nixon shaking the hand of Chinese premier,
and then immediately, he scratches his balls.
Those are my crabs on his balls.
And on that note...
I'm in!
Start scratching, Tyler.
Nice skid marks, Stoop.
I want you to wear these gloves when you spank Larry
because they are clean and simple
and good, and so is Larry.
I will!
Thank you, Mr. Boris.
Now, kiss my pinky.
Foolish girl!
He could never love you.
I will not let you disrupt this sacred act!
I've had it with you!
Okay, you little carpet munchers,
I wish I could go with you.
That should do most of the competition.
Right next to daddy, and what does that little piggy sleep in?
It sleeps in daddy's bed.
I can't take this anymore, you guys. I'm serious!
Hey, Boris, what's up with Larry?
Boychik is becoming a man right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you serious? Full-on bonin'!
We go slowly.
We like to begin with erotic spanking.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, your touch feels so good,
almost otherworldly.
Almost like I've waited my whole life for this moment.
You're my dream come true.
You're a goddess. You're my goddess, yeah.
Spank it! Spank it! Yeah!
That's right! We're wild animals! Yeah!
Mr. Boris, I've been looking all over for you.
She is a pig!
Tell me who is pig.
Yeah! My brothers!
Say hello to your little friend.
Big B, you the man.
Mariana was amazing.
You were amazing, {y:i}mi amor.
You set me free.
I'm a man.
But, virgin boy, it cannot be.
I have not yet begun the sacred act.
What? Well, then who was the honey wearing the silk gloves?
Who is that that you give the silk gloves to?
I guess you got the itches, too.
Itches? You mean crabs.
You skank, who were you with last night?
Something's burning my balls.
Hey, baby.
You were warned.
Oh, God.
Whoa. Dude went large.
{y:i}Hola, beautiful people.
I am Roberto Federico Maria Francesca Ernesto Alonzo Maximo de la Sosa Minara,
and welcome to beautiful Costa Rica
for the 2005 International High School Surfing Championships!
I just want to say before we get started
that all of you are looking so beautiful today
and I'm so glad that you're all here to see me looking so cute in this outfit.
I know.
Hey, Larry.
Heard you had a wild night last night.
She pick the fleas from your pubes, too?
Keep on scratching, Tyler.
Well, ladies, the final humiliation begins.
Humiliation, man.
Now you better hope when this is all over
that Larry's new girlfriend has friends.
Oh. It's the old washed-up wino.
I knew a little surfer rebel like you once.
- Yeah? - Duke Kowalski.
You know what I did to him?
I superglued his nut sac to the back of a mahi-mahi.
You know what that does to a nut sac, son,
bouncing up and down on the waves?
One day, you're like a little 19-year-old peach sac.
The next day, you're an 80-year-old mango sac.
You know what kind of pain that is, son?
That's like sitting in a dark corner,
seeing how many onion rings you can stack on your shaft...
except you forgot to let them cool off first.
Now legend has it, on a hot summer night
when the moon's just right,
you can here old Duke screaming in the dark
while the mahi-mahi's laughing.
All right, you old wino, enough!
Larry,
it happens to the best of us.
Did I ever tell you, son, that I used to be a sheep farmer?
Adolph Schnitzel!
Oh, that's right. Oh, baby!
I think I have a couple of buns for that schnitzel.
Oh! I'm so crazy today. I'm on fire.
Put me out.
You better go talk to your troops, captain.
You know, guys, I had a little something-something
planned to say to you guys,
but I think if we learned anything from Tilly and Boris
it's that history is where it's at.
Because I don't know about you guys,
but I don't want to look back on today
many a years from now...
and be thinking to myself
that I would trade all the days
from this day to that for one chance,
just one chance
to come back here to this beach
and tell these arse clowns
that they may try to take our pride,
but they will never take our spirit!
Yes!
Pretty decent {y:i}Braveheart there.
Jordan. Jordan, I know you're on an inspirational roll,
but I don't think this is gonna work with me.
I had my first erotic spanking from a chimp last night,
and everybody on this beach knows it.
Even their mothers know it.
Oh. We best not disturb him.
Hello, Larry.
Why does he hate me? He hates me now.
Oh, come on, precious pants.
He just needs a little time.
And now our defending champions
from the United States of America,
the country bringing democracy to the world one invasion at a time,
ladies and gentlemen, from California's Laguna Beach High School,
let's give it up for Tyler Masters!
Larry, you're gonna be my understudy.
If anything happens to any one of these fellas,
you're going in.
If somebody breaks a leg, twists an ankle, blows a spleen,
I'm talking about someone getting their buck teeth caught on a Ferris wheel,
you're going in there, little hedgehog.
- Do you understand me? - Yes, sir.
- Larry, I don't hear you! - Yes, sir!
Beautiful boys,
we run our delicious, sculpted male bodies on the horn.
Ready, set, blow!
Oh, look at them run, look at them run.
Oh, beautiful.
Watch and learn, Mary.
It looks like the cute Costa Rican
is giving my beloved homeland an early jump on the competition.
Very beautiful, my brother.
I definitely sense something between those two beautiful Americans.
It does not look like love.
Laguna "Ace" Masters takes the first wave.
Oh, he's so beautiful in that rough American way!
Now we're only waiting on Laguna B's Sullivan
to shake what his mama gave him.
What is he waiting for?
Don't be shy, baby! Be beautiful.
It's okay. I believe in you.
Shweet, shweet, shweet.
Come on, Jordan. Go for it!
And beautiful Jordan is up and standing.
He's going, going, and gone! Wipe out!
Not so sh-shweet.
Poor baby, life is not fair.
Oh, come on, little hedgehog.
I told you you're the man if anything happens out there, right, huh?
If somebody gets sick, you're in, man.
Aw, cheer up, Larry, man.
Hey. You ever play snap the sponge cake?
Yes. It seems very difficult for the new boys from Laguna B.
I hear that they just learned to surf.
They're trying so hard.
Oh, biggity-boy-oh-boy! What a first day of competition.
{y:i}Pura vidal
All of you boys were just so...
Oh. What is the word I'm looking for?
Beautiful!
Now let's clap for the beautiful boys.
Come on. Hey. I don't see you clapping, {y:i}papi.
What's the deal?
When I say clap, you clap, okay?
Simon Says. This is Simon.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay. Let's go, guys.
Now let's check out the scoreboard.
It looks like the very most beautiful
and currently in first place team
is none other than defending champion Laguna Beach A.
Will Laguna Beach A hang on for a second straight title?
Will they look sexy doing it?
Will Batman escape the clutches of the Penguin
and run off with his crazy boyfriend Robin?
I don't know.
We'll just have to see the answer tomorrow.
So until tomorrow,
this is Roberto Federico Maria Francesca Maximo de la Sosa Minara
saying stay beautiful!
Come on, you guys, huh?
The way I see it, you got two choices here.
You can sit around all mopey-faced
like your grandmother just got her ass cheek ripped off by a hammerhead shark,
or you can hope that tomorrow the surf gods grant you
a tasty curl out there, all right?
Everybody in, right now.
Come on!
Oh, no, no, no.
We're gonna win this thing.
I'm talking about a big wave.
Come on. Big wave.
Yeah! Yeah!
Big... wave.
Yeah.
Well, the Laguna Barneys managed not to drown.
That's impressive.
So make sure you guys come to the Dead Fish tonight to celebrate.
Berthita's giving lap dances.
Better than a chimp.
Well, well, well, if it isn't old Southern Cali again.
Aren't you, uh, running a little late for your spray-on tan appointment?
The old Ripter's got a little beach recipe for you.
First, you add a little take a hike,
and you blend in a little asshole.
You know what I call it?
Take a hike, asshole.
Let's go, dumb nuts.
The boys will need a special support tonight, yeah?
Tonight, we have a special entertainment
to celebrate your victory tomorrow!
Yeah, right.
Oh, my God! It almost looks like Doris.
It is Doris. What did I tell you? Po-ten-tial!
Wow! It really is you.
What happened?
You guys happened.
I, uh, I figured you guys needed
a little pick-me-up for tomorrow
unless you want to do nude yoga with Tilly and Boris.
No, no. No. Please. No. Stay.
What you gonna do?
I'm gonna rock the house,
and then you guys are gonna rock those ass clowns tomorrow.
Understand?
Come on, Mo. We got some rehearsing to do.
I'm gonna introduce you guys to someone who's inspired us all,
my jump-off girl.
Give it up for Doris.
This song is dedicated to my favorite surf team:
The Laguna Beach Bs.
Now some of you guys may think the "B" stands for Barney,
but I think it stands for...
brilliant and brave...
and ballsy.
This one's for my freaks.
Love is but a song we sing
Fear's the way we die
You can make the mountains ring
Or make the angels cry
Though the bird is on the wing
And you may not know why
Come on...
Oh, you really proved your point.
I mean, you're not gonna win, but you're here.
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now
You know, when we get back, you should hang out with us.
I mean, you're almost finished with your charity work here.
We are but a moment's sunlight
I mean, you're just new. We didn't know how cool you were.
Well, I knew.
So what do you say we go for a walk on the beach and talk some more?
Try to love one another right now
I don't think so.
See, um, I'm gonna go hang out with the other freaks.
Let's get together
Try to love one another right now
Oh, no
What?
Doris live in Costa Rica.
You were amazing...
actually.
You know, um, I'm not so amazing.
You see, even if I hadn't of taken that vow of silence,
I don't think I would have given you the time of day.
You would have been just another stupid, shallow jock.
Wow.
That's pretty cold.
And, um, what about now?
Well, now I realized how stupid and shallow I was.
I realized that the day that you came and talked to me at the beach.
You cared,
and I was... I was wrong about you.
You know, I, uh, I respect a woman
who can admit her mistakes,
especially when she looks like you.
Did I say that you weren't shallow?
No.
No. No. I think... I think you said
you're glad you've become wise enough to give me the time of day.
And, um,
guess what time it is?
Um...
what time is it?
Where are you taking me?
Where every man in this bar dreams of going.
There's no use fighting.
You are ours tonight!
No more. I can't.
Really, I can't.
- You can. - You will!
Yeah. Lucky bastard.
Come on.
Really, I can't.
You must!
Oh, my God.
This has been very hard on her.
She's a hot chimp. She'll find someone else, right?
That Larry's a big pimp.
You know, Larry, becoming a man has nothing to do with down there.
It doesn't?
No. If that was what we needed most,
we could take care of that ourselves.
Oh. I think Taz has that model.
No. See, most American men don't know what a man is.
The kind of man we want is here.
You are Eagle Scout, {y:i}ja?
{y:i}Ja.
You score 1,600 on your S.A.T., {y:i}ja?
{y:i}Ja.
Even {y:i}Home Economic teen of year, {y:i}ja?
{y:i}Ja.
This is great man.
I want you to go in there winners today,
boards high, shorts low, big love!
Hope I'm not overdressed.
I could change.
I feel like my IQ has dropped 100 points in this thing.
Your IQ looks amazing in this.
I thought you guys needed at least one groupie.
So you're the one.
{y:i}Hola, beautiful people,
and welcome to the second and final day of competition
here at the International High School Surfing Championships.
Whoa. Doris.
That can't be her.
Oh, that's her, honey.
Hi. I love you.
Hey, Rip. Remember us?
No. Go away.
I think I'll give you guys some space.
Will Laguna A be able to hold on,
or is an upset brewing in the chunky soup of the Pacific Ocean?
There's only one way to tell, so ladies and gentlemen,
are you ready to shred?
That's right!
You know what would make me so happy?
If you thought about me while you were out there.
Whoa.
- Okay, Roach? - Doris.
Whoa.
Oh, ho! I got hit by a wave like that once,
except its name was Frank.
Whoa. That is a wipe out for Laguna A's Roach.
And how are you?
Yeah! Taz!
Whoa! It's the little, sexy Oompa-Loompa.
It's the 360. Perfecto!
Laguna B is really being beautiful out there today.
Bring it home to mama!
It's Taz time, baby!
Big wave! Big wave!
And the Laguna A's Stoop is up.
- You are my warrior. - I don't like this guy.
I don't like that guy.
He is up, and he is also down!
And look at what we have here.
It's Jordan Sullivan!
It's the new Jordan! Oh, my Lord!
Look at him! So handsome!
Oh, he's moving so nice, and lookie...
Oh, shweet, shweet...
sh-sh-shweet.
Laguna B's Jordan Sullivan
plays that powder for big, beautiful points!
Look at him go!
I could cry it's so beautiful!
I am crying.
But for the rest of the competition,
it is wipe-out city today.
Yes. They all fall down.
Only Laguna B is looking very beautiful.
What a beautiful comeback.
I suck at this.
You need to find a sub for me.
Now wait a minute, man.
Nobody gets subbed out unless they're hurt, Mo.
Jordan, if I go back out there, we're gonna lose.
Well, we need somebody to surf, right?
Wait, wait, wait!
I shred. I shred!
Chika, baby, how'd you get here?
I come to help. I shred. I shred!
Mo, we don't have time for this, man.
Okay. Okay. I got it, dudes.
You... got...
a baby... turtle...
in your underpants?
You speak Japanese?
No, man.
I, um, best chick surfer Japan.
Oh, okay.
"I best chick surfer Japan," man.
Yeah, I got that.
So you're telling us you surf?
Wait a minute. You really shred?
I really shred!
Well, let's get her in there then.
Yeah, man.
Damn, baby! You been holding out on us.
Hold this, player.
Give me your shirt.
What a joke.
Yeah. Now that's some tasty sushi.
Fresh... ahi.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very important announcement, okay?
All right.
Let's go, Chika!
Mr. Mo Peterson from Laguna B
has seemed to have suffered a terrible groin pull.
Oh, my poor chocolate babies.
I have to go over there later and fix it for him.
But it says here that Mr. Mo Peterson
shall be replaced by a very beautiful Asian baby Chika Mastsumoto.
I love Asian people, you know?
I find them really beautiful.
I remember my first summer in Bangkok, oh, with Mr. Quan,
but, you know, this is not the time, this is not the place,
this is not the outfit.
Whoa, man. She can shled, man.
She can really, really shled.
Look at the way she cut through that water.
It's like Godzilla is chasing her.
Do you have a prom date?
Whoa. Prom?
Laguna B's Chika is making chop suey out of the competition.
Let's go, man. We need this.
Oh, color me crazy, but I think we have
a very beautiful contest on our hands here today.
Prom.
Doris.
Well, amigos, it comes down to our final set
to determine our new champions.
Can Laguna A's hunky captain Tyler Masters hold on?
And for our underdogs Laguna B,
their beautiful leader Jordan Sullivan is looking for the ride of his life.
It's all on you, East Coast.
Yeah. Kick some ass out there, man.
Excuse me. I believe I'm still on the roster.
Larry?
I'm ready to rip.
What y'all put up in my boy?
Nothing that wasn't already there.
Listen, guys.
I was everybody's whipping boy for the last 17 years,
but, see, all along, I've been the man.
Straight A's since first grade, an Eagle Scout,
1,600 on my S.A.T. S,
the {y:i}Home Economics teen of the year,
and still it took me 17 years
for me to finally accept that I am the man.
{y:i}Ja. He is.
So welcome to my coming out party.
Surfs up, brahs.
You're the man, Larry.
Thanks, Jordan.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a very surprising substitution.
It's so over.
Complete annihilation.
Don't worry about it.
Larry, I know that you are man!
Go. Inhale. Inhale.
Concentrate, Larry.
You're so history, virgin Larry.
Having a little sushi party at my house tonight.
You girls in, huh?
A little mahi-mahi?
You know, Tyler, if I'm correct,
the only "A" you've ever gotten in your entire academic life
was in ninth grade American literature.
So? Like that matters here.
It means that the only reason you got that "A"
was because you forced me to do your term paper on James Fenimore Cooper.
- Who? - Right.
But most of all, it means that in the past,
your greatest success was totally dependent on me providing it for you.
See, whether you realize it or not,
that dependence is embedded in your psyche.
What's he doing?
He's playing with his mind.
Deep down, you know you're not worthy.
Underneath that cool surfer exterior,
you know the ego-deflating truth.
You can't compete with me.
You never could on land or at sea.
You see, Tyler, you're a complete idiot,
and it's payback time,
and payback is hell.
Please. After you.
Larry, concentrate.
Larry, don't get psyched out.
And Masters takes the first wave.
I don't like that guy.
That guy has eyebrows of Russian.
You little fat bulldog-pig.
What's he doing?
Whoa! Masters plays it very safe on that one.
Not very beautiful at all.
I don't think that will impress the judges too much at all,
even this one, a complete idiot.
You call that surfing, Tyler?
Maybe for dessert, we can play a little snap the sponge cake, hmm?
Snap the sponge cake, girls?
So now it's all up to Laguna B's Lawrence Horatio Bates,
who appears to be meditating or something.
We're not gonna have sex, are we?
You are a man without sex.
But we will do what you want.
I want...
a rematch at Twister.
And Lawrence Horatio Bates is off.
Oh, my God!
He is amazing! Beautiful!
Larry, concentrate.
Yeah! Ride 'em, Larry! Yeah!
- Yeah! - Go!
That's right.
- Awesome. - What?
Larry shreds?
Yes! Larry shreds!
It is a miracle.
He rides this wave like the king of the sea.
Shweet!
I'm so crazy over this. Okay.
Big wave!
The judges, who are so pretty,
have tallied the final scores,
so here we go.
I'll tell you the winner.
I'm so nervous, I'm so nervous.
I can't do it.
And the new 2005 International High School Surfing Champion
is none other than everybody's favorite underdogs
Laguna B, baby!
I'm so proud of you, boychik.
I'm proud.
That's right! Beautiful!
Nice ride.
Thanks.
Shweet!
Nice work, man.
Oh, I knew you were the one that liked me.
I thought it was you. Let's go steady.
So what's up, Larry? Where are we going tonight, you know?
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tazzie.
This is my shizzle.
Yeah. That's cool. Bye.
Someone deserves a kiss!
Your brother sucks ass.
It's Taz time, baby.
Another game of Twister?
No, Lawrence. We'll make love to you.
All day.
All night.
You will be a great man in bed, {y:i}ja?
{y:i}Ja.
From virgin to god.
You know, Jordan, I think this trip has been really good for me.
I don't need my Ritalin anymore.
I feel... I don't know...
I feel like a... like a new man.
Ghost Babe.
I told you.
She appears before champions
and then leads them to ruin, brah.
You're lucky I warned you.
So it actually seemed like you were shagging on the hammock 24/7
for a decade, though, right?
Yeah. That's what it seemed like.
I'll see you guys in 2015!
No!
No, little shredder!
No!
You're gonna get poltergeist cock!
I'm gonna miss that horny little devil.
You got a moment, brah?
Oh, yeah.
I'll meet you by the tent.
Okay.
I'm gonna follow that a...
your girlfriend.
I'll be over here, man.
All right, man.
Uh, listen, brah.
There's a... there's an old saying
us... us surfers use when somebody helps
pull you out of rough water.
It's, uh, oma kamawa imiwawa sema.
Wow. That's...
Ah woka miaaa sum kai
sema wa ya da.
Thanks. L...
Ya oh mamai smuma maia.
Oh ai ah neskwa.
Uh, what does that mean?
It means, uh, thanks, brah.
Big wave.
I got to go.
- Ghost Babe! - Rip!
Thank you for helping me.
Oh. My pleasure, baby.
Thank you for helping them.
Boychik,
I want you to know that you are so loved in my heart,
and you will always be great man, always.
Thank you, Boris.
By any means necessary, my brother.
{y:i}Sayonara, sweetie.
Right back at you.
My sweet jock,
thank you for coming.
Thank you for making this happen.
Thank you all for restoring our faith in America's youth.
You all have the spirit of the Sixties living in you,
even if you didn't want to blow anything up.
You stood up to the man.
You made the world a better place.
- We are so proud of you. - Yeah.
So please, you come back
and you see us real soon, you hear me?
You come visit us, too.
That will not be possible.
We were a little more destructive than you kids.
Yeah.
We possibly have a few outstanding warrants
waiting for us, stuff like that.
Big time.
Well, our lips are sealed.
Zip. Bing.
So after this, we get to shag on the hammock 24/7, right?
Cool.
Knock yourself out, shorty.
Ghost Babe. Come back.
Come on, people, now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right...
Come on, people, now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now
Oh, no
Oh, {y:i}ja.
And I say...
Come on, people, now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now, baby
What the hell is going on?
Come on, people, now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another right now
Mark.
I'd just macked my first curly fry with a waffle cone,
twisted around with a double-header,
a double-bubble, a mack cake,
and a 3-pound thunder blaster
and clinched my first world title.
Little hedgehog, mahi-mahi right here on the beach.
How about you there, sea urchin, mahi-mahi, hairdo?
You like fresh fish?
I form it real sweet like with my own hands.
Hold it.
A little something-something.
You want to get it? You want to get some?
Damn it! I'm sorry.
Marker.
That's it.
Who's my champion? Who's my champion? Who?
You guys, it's not a porno.
You liked it, eh?